warning - slight profanity (on nick's part)

nick just came up to read over my shoulder and saw a bit of himself in the red robe posted below and goes,

"i don't know why you keep posting stuff like that. so, you like a fat bastard, do you?"

and i, of course, immediately go,

"no, no. i love it. i love you. i find you hysterically sexy!"

and he goes,

"great, that's just what i'm going for - hysterically sexy!"

hi. both kids sleeping in. nick trying his best to wake them up with loud vitamin taking and sandwich making. they seem impervious to his efforts. ahhh. magic. miracle. just what the doctor ordered - 30 minutes to fold the laundry covering the living room floor without a little monkey/parasite (or two of them) crawling all over me.

ps: christa, you may read a script whenever you want. i will email my best/favorite as soon as possible. anyone else may leave a comment if they want a script as well. besides, i owe you. i still have a little-red-box-of-guilt sitting on my desk (right at eyeline - probably why i haven't been writing so well lately) that needs to be filled with goodies and shipped.

Hard Times with Fluffy

So, I nickname my scripts when I'm working on them...ala - CinC, WASP, Neighborly, Witches, etc. The current script is named Fluffy. And she is giving me a hard time. I sat down this morning and worked and worked and worked...and was sooooo productive (meaning it came smoothly, easily and was clever to boot). But alas, my nimble fingers, my neurosed brain, my addled heart - they all make me write things with such depth and compassion - with lessons to be learned and hills to climb and "moments" to be had. Which would be great - if I wasn't currently writing Fluffy. And Fluffy is supposed to be fluffy. She's supposed to be quick and light-hearted - fun and flirty - full of gags and laughs for all. Which is fun to write and when I can stay on track - I can write her very well. The problem is, I can't stay on track...thus, I have to erase the last five pages of neurosed brilliance and start over. Thus, I finally had to push away from the keyboard and spend an hour doing this - mapping my script. Reminding myself what I'm doing. Keeping it light and fluffy.
This is a challenge for me. But a challenge that will pay off if I do it right. Oh, Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy...you are currently the bane of my existence. I hope I grow to love you someday - or at least to like you.

whoa! the computer has a mind of it's own!

oops, how'd that happen?!

i couldn't help myself...

Just so you know:

Nick has the skin of a rhino covering the soft spot that we all call our self-esteem. I know my sis-in-law and a few others have felt bad for Nick due to his frequent appearances on this blog. So, let me reassure you - Nick has no problems with it.

Oh wait, I take that back. He was really embarrassed by the pictures of him in my robe (scroll through December if you want to take a gander). I thought this was funny and after all the things I have dared to write about him - who knew he had a line in the sand? And I guess long manly legs on display is that line to cross. My bad.

20/20

So, in hindsight, I should have reveled in the fact that my husband was addicted to Wikipedia for so long.
REVELED.
Because now he's into UFC and Google Earth.
There's nothing I detest more than Google Earth.
Nick was looking at San Francisco the other day and I asked why he was doing this and he said,
"I like to study geography"
and the he turned back to studying the blurry images of roofs and inaccurate street signage and I stared at the back of his head and wondered who this stranger was sitting in front of me - because surely the man I married would not be doing this - not be saying such silly things. (actually, these crazy-always-changing-eccentricities are the core of my love for this man - but moving on with my oh-so-humerous point)
Just so we're on the same page, let me make this point clear...in my little universe - google-earth-addiction does not equal geography-studying.
This doesn't mean I'm not going to tolerate it.
Just don't equate it to intelligence building.
Just thought I'd make that clear.
Alrighty, enough said.
Now I need to spend 40 minutes looking up crockpot recipes.

nearly-four-year-olds are so cunning and smart and viciously relentless that they sometimes make you want to run in front of a bus or throw them in front of said bus (or at the very least, bang your head against a wall until you dent the plaster)...and then they go and do something like this.this kid nearly drove me to toddlericide a few short hours ago as I tried every different approach and tactic to get him to stay in his room for quiet time (short of locking the door - dear heavens if i were to lock it and he were to tantrum-throw and charlie were to wake up...not worth it). finally, i gave up on the threats and threats and more threats...and retreated to the couch to curl up under my favorite cream blanket and try to rest for a moment (not feeling so hot this afternoon). and no sooner had i done this, then he suddenly appeared in front of me (wearing no pants - don't ask - i don't - it's easier this way) and stated that he wanted to have quiet time with me and promptly crawled under my blanket near my feet and proceeded to fall asleep in 3 minutes

HAD I ONLY KNOWN?!

...hmmm. kids. they take your breath away, don't they?

i've dreamed of this moment...

So, to end the bummer of a weekend on a good note:

Star Wars for the First Time!Luke immediately recognized all his "friends" from the mr. potatoe head bucket in his room.
finally, a reference point.
He calls r2d2 his "little robot".
here's luke and charlie's critical analysis of the movie.

needless to say, there's been lots of swordplay in my house today.
And if you want to know where my children are, just follow the cacophony of "pshew-pshew"s - and you will quickly find them.

something odd about me, part II/III

Part II: i thought after the last few posts, i should give you all some perspective. this BLOG and my HUSBAND'S SHOULDER are the only two places i'll really let my hair down and let you know how i'm really feeling. if you were to run into me on the street or to knock on my door today, i would have straightened my weary shoulders and smiled big and you would never have known how bad i felt. because that's what i do - i act strong. i hate weakness in myself. i excuse it in everyone else. but for me - inexcusable. and if you've been a reader of this blog from the beginning - you know this is where i've laid it all out on the table...my inability to let myself be sick, my need to be strong, my lack of empathy/compassion for my body when i feel like it is turning on me. i'm trying to work on it. some days i succeed, most i do not. but here, right here on this blog, i'm figuring it out. so be patient with me when i ramble on about how i feel or what's wrong or my ups and downs - this is my "safe place to fall". this is where i am learning to be honest. this is where i'm trying to be a better person.

Part III: okay, this one's to lighten the mood a bit. so, i'm a relatively balanced person with lots of good mental health, little to no depression and no predilictions towards self-abuse or animal torture...but if you were to ask Nick - he'd tell you there's something really wrong with me and he definitely thinks it's some form of mental illness. alrighty, so here it is - I'm a "last pee-er". Yep, i said it, it's out there. i can't go to bed without that "last pee". and if nick were to roll over and start chatting with me and i didn't fall asleep within 5 minutes of said "last pee", i'd curse him and have to get up and do it again. i'm not kidding, folks...you've now discovered my loose screw. nick will even take bets on whether i can even come up with enough pee to pee sometimes. i'll be all huffy at him for cuddling on me or talking to me when i was trying to get into my fall-asleep-zone and stomp off for my "last pee" (again!) and he'll tease me from the bedroom, "yeah, i hear you. you can't even find a drop to tinkle with. see, i told you. it's all in your head!" well, duh, sugar cheeks. of course it's in my head. i even hate going to stay at people's houses because i think they'll think it's weird that someone's using the toilet 5 times before midnight. and i know it's odd and i know it's not right in the head of me to use that much water up for a simple mental disorder...but alas, nothing's stopping me from doing it - not even my husband's heckling and constant laughter as i shuffle to the bathroom one last time. and if a tinkle free bladder is all that is required to keep me mentally balanced...happy day for me. happy day for all of us.

so tired. er visit=waste of time. i know why i have to keep going in. i know what calcium can do to my heart if it dips too low. i know all of this. and i still think it's a waste of time. i think anything that reminds me of this last year - or that reminds me that this last year is not quite over yet - is not worth my time. sucks that my hands hurt. sucks that my muscles ache. sucks that my lips are numb. sucks. sucks. sucks. tired of everything sucking.

but, to be fair, things are looking up. i mowed the lawn and weeded the front bed and then planted seeds and bulbs...and cleaned and organized and wrote and took care of kids...so things must be looking up. i just need to be patient. or i just need to be realistic and surmise that maybe - just maybe - i'll never again be the person i was before. maybe instead of having the energy of ten people, i'll have the energy of four (if you know me, you understand this statement). maybe that's enough. maybe i should take what i've been given and be happy with that. hmmm. food for thought - which i'll immediately throw down the disposal if i wake up tomorrow morning and feel like shiz again (as you can tell - i'm struggling to find compassion for my poor, battered body).

this will be my goal for the week - to be kind to myself. to allow myself to be sick. to allow myself to be tired. to allow myself to get better - at the pace my body chooses. to allow myself to be happy in spite of all the setbacks. because there are worse setbacks in life. there's breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, lymphoma, lung cancer, etc. and there's always chemo and localized radiation and more surgeries. blessed i am. seriously, so blessed.

endo-on-call just called...take more calcium this morning. if numbness continues or hands start clenching - go to er and they will have to give calcium intravenously. good times (no seriously, good times) - because if dr. donner was on call - he always makes me go straight to er.

again, not in the mood.

my muscles ache, from my the top of my head to the tip of my toes
my fingers are on pins and needles
i woke up this morning and my lips are numb like after visit to the dentist
my skin feels tight and itchy
and now i have to call the doctor
who will tell me to go to the emergency room
and they will call in a doctor that is not covered by my insurance
and he will run blood test
then the blood test will tell him if my blood calcium is low enough to call my doctor
because no one wants to make any decisions with a cancer patient
and then i will have to call dr. la patka on his cell on a sunday
who will call dr donner, who will have to call me
and i will hand the phone over to er doctor
and they will talk and confer and shake heads
and decide what to do

i'm not in the mood