so, i lied...

mellow didn't work out for us today. aunt diane called and invited us out to the home ranch. it's my granny and grandpa's old place and is about 25 minutes south of us out in the country. and as strange as it is to see everything empty and dusty and not lived in - it can still tug my heartstrings. so much of my childhood took place out there, and nearly every good memory i have took place on that chunk of land.

someday soon i'll get out there and take pictures of everything and share some stories with you.



as we were leaving, luke asked uncle ralph to take him over to the horse and before you knew it, he was up and riding. no saddle and no fear.

i'm going to drug the kids up with some tv...

and try to feel a little bit better.
wish me luck.

ps: i can't feel my face. imagine, people pay good money for shady narcotics just to get this feeling. at this point, i'd pay good money for some black market doctor to yank my parathyroid out with his bare hands. but to each his own.

so, my sister starts grinding her teeth
and develops an instant stress headache whenever i
refer to our private parts with silly inocuous names.
literally - it makes her crazy. pull her hair out crazy.
but no matter how many lectures she gives me
or how many times she teaches me the proper words
for a boy's light saber and a girl's va-jay-jay...
i will simply keep ignoring her.



you see, my children - like your children - are fiendishly smart
and would figure out real quick that penis and vagina
get a huge response from people around them...
and the next thing you know, luke would yelling
"PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!"
as we drag him out of church by the scruff of his neck.
and charlie would be there right beside him yelling,
"WAWINA, WAWINA, WAWINA!"

we called him the six foot leprechaun...

grandpa holmes is my stepmother's father. i met him when i was twelve years old. he passed away two nights ago from a long battle with emphysema and a recent battle with lung cancer. he was the only grandfather my little sisters ever knew.



this is grandpa holmes and my sister polly more than 15 years ago. i thought she would appreciate this picture in that we were just talking about how he taught her to do crossword puzzles. he also taught all of us how to play poker the first time we ever met him. he loved poker and lived in las vegas as long as was possible...and probably longer than was good for him. but in these last few years he had the opportunity to live closer to all of his children and grandchildren and i think it did him good.

one of the things that i appreciated most about him was his droll sense of humor and dry wit - a quality he passed on to his daughter. he had the ability to catch a person off guard with this incisive take on most situations...everything was black and white and worth a good debate. especially if he was debating my dad.

post script...

just so everyone knows - luke is normally an angel. this was not his normal behavior. sure, he can be strong, defiant, feisty and whatnot (like all 4 year olds)...but this - this was so much more than all of that. this was an afternoon to go down in the history books, to be recorded for all time and eternity in the brown family annals...to be burned into my mommy memory bank forever. ohh, just thinking about it - the weeping and wailing and absolute desolation...and the whole time i could see his heavy eyelids and dark circles and all i could think was, "JUST GO TO SLEEP, KID! GO TO SLEEP." shudder. sigh. bb

one of those days...

okay, my tender tuesday act of good will -
i let let luke live
after he tore his room apart on a time out
spit/raspberried in my face to keep me from calling little gym to cancel
and peeing himself when he got so upset he couldn't make it to the toilet...

and all over a piece of toast.
one stinkin' piece of toast fifteen minutes before we were supposed to go
this'll teach me to let him stay up past his bedtime two nights in a row.

okay, moving on to the real deal.
as you already know, i called the american cancer society to volunteer
(still waiting to hear back from them)
but still, a step in the right direction.

i also made a batch of toffee and took it to my hairdresser with a thank you/sorry note
for all that she does for me,
what with the squeezing me into her schedule at the last minute
and for putting up with cancellations when i lose a babysitter.
it's a little thing, but it counts.

anyhoo, let me know a good deed you did this last week
or a good deed you plan on doing in the week to come...
you know, anything will do -
do your visiting teaching, mow a lawn for an elderly neighbor, make out with your husband for fifteen minutes...
anything will do. and remember, let me know.
especially the lurkers.
i'd like to say hello.
bb

also, while we were playing in the backyard...

luke takes a long dive at the ball, which mama was successfully keeping away from him, and he ends up rolling empty handed into the grass. getting up, he realizes that he's landed in a bunch of little mushroom caps growing in the lawn and with huge dramatic emphasis - he yells,

"what the holy heck are these?!"

yeah, i may or may not have laughed hard enough to pee my pants. just a little, though - a teeny-tiny-hardly-embarrassing-little-bit. that'll teach me to use pseudo-swear words around the kids.

stupid mama.

on our quest to annihilate the hiccups...

lukie and i played
"did i scare you that time?!"
and let's run the hiccups off and play teams (chasing the ball around the backyard with mama)
and finally he announced
"we got a problem mama!"
hiccup.
followed by lots of fake coughing.
"the cough is destructing the hiccups. it's going to kill them."
cough, cough, cough, hiccup, cough...

allow me a rambling thought...

summer, 2007
i was just about to start grad school in the fall.
with a toddler and an infant.
i know. i know.
a few months after that i would start to feel sick again.
and i would go to the doctor to see if my thyroid was up to its old tricks.
and my blood work would come back normal.
but there would be a lump.
and a biopsy.
and two surgeries.
and enough radiation to nuke a horse.
and through it all, she just kept growing and growing.
she grew up.
and i grew up.
we grew up.
and while i love who we are now.
there are moments where i would give anything to go back.
to go back to simple.
charmed.
happy.
but don't get me wrong.
we're happy now, me and my girl and our boys.
it just takes a little bit more work to get there.
and through it all, i keep going back to those early years and all the symptoms and misdiagnosis.
the ups and downs.
and i think of all the what-ifs.
what if?
really, what if?
but then i wouldn't have my girl.
or my boy.
either of them.
it was a price i am willing to pay.
now.
over and over again.
but then, back then, i wouldn't have known the value of what i hadn't yet experienced.
but now.
now i know.

just some thoughts.
night.
bb

let me explain my false pride...

umm...just so you know. i don't sew. well, at least not until about a year ago. i'd helped my sisters from time to time...stuff like pinning, holding the pedal down and keeping my mouth shut. but now i'm trying patterns on my own, failing more than i succeed and slowly building an intimidating stack of material that towers over me while i sew. all in all, it's an interesting hobby. a bit challenging for my crazy artistic-don't-like-firm-rules sort of brain...but i'm getting there. alrighty, i'm off to try a real dress (with sleeves and everything) this week. wish me luck.